My Journey to Spiritual Direction
I do not remember a time when I was not aware of God or that I did not believe. I was raised in a Christian Mennonite home and that is where my heart remains.
In 1989 I was attending college and getting restless to travel overseas. I applied for and was accepted to travel with Mennonite Central Committee's new program, Youth Discovery Teams. Our team of 5 North Americans and 5 Indonesians spend 4 months traveling Indonesia and then 3 months in British Columbia. I felt called by God to take this trip. In January 1990 I found myself on the way to Indonesia. I went with high expectations of serving and forming lifelong memories preparing me for future overseas service.
Unfortunately, I had a very different experience. A very painful experience. A traumatic experience. Why? The many times I have tried to explain, words fall short. You had to be one of the others who walked the journey with me in order to come close to understanding. Basically the North Americans and Indonesians on the team had different expectations. The hosts in Indonesia had different expectations than MCC organizers. We (North Americans) expected stability, service projects, and host families we would get to know. Instead we moved frequently, mostly attending churches 3-5 times a day (once we attended 10 churches in a day). The team struggled with cultural and language differences. Once we got to British Columbia things did stabilize, but we still struggled. We concluded our time together at Mennonite World Conference in Winnepeg, Canada.
I came home broken. Angry. Alone. Why had God called me and abandoned me? I returned to college, but I was asked to leave seven weeks before graduation when it was clear I was not able to function as a student teacher. I went to church every Sunday and sobbed through the service. I longed to feel God again. I did not know where to turn so I went to church. I had a wonderful church family but I needed more.
I decided to finish my undergraduate degree at Eastern Mennonite University in Virginia. Although I was still deeply wounded, I began to find some healing. One morning in my Abnormal Psychology class we had a guest speaker talk about depression. She shared about Spiritual Direction and how her director "joined me in the pit and lay down in the mud. She didn't try to fix me. She shared my pain." My heart leapt! This is what I need. After the class I rushed forward and asked, "How do I find one of these people?" "You go to church and ask for one," she answered. My heart fell. I had never heard this term before and knew no one at church would have either. This was before the days of Goggle. I went home and tucked the words "Spiritual Director" away in my heart.
A year later, I was living in an intentional community in Georgia teaching English as a second language. I returned to EMU to help recruit other possible volunteers. I was exploring the other tables set up around the room when I saw on the seminary table a brochure for their newest program, Spiritual Direction! Mennonites were just beginning to train Spiritual Directors. And I needed one. So I picked up an application and when it asked me why I wanted to attend seminary I wrote "I need a Spiritual Director." They admitted me.
During my very first meeting with my Spiritual Director we sat in silence for an hour. I cried. She checked in to see if I was ok. I felt God's presence for the first time in 5 years. God had not abandoned me. I had entered a time of spiritual desert. My director and my professors and the small group I was assigned helped me find my way through the pain and back into wholeness.
I have been through two more times of spiritual desert in my life since then. With the tools, I now know how to cling to my faith when my spirit is dry and God feels far away. I feel privileged to be able to walk with others on their spiritual journeys.
In 1989 I was attending college and getting restless to travel overseas. I applied for and was accepted to travel with Mennonite Central Committee's new program, Youth Discovery Teams. Our team of 5 North Americans and 5 Indonesians spend 4 months traveling Indonesia and then 3 months in British Columbia. I felt called by God to take this trip. In January 1990 I found myself on the way to Indonesia. I went with high expectations of serving and forming lifelong memories preparing me for future overseas service.
Unfortunately, I had a very different experience. A very painful experience. A traumatic experience. Why? The many times I have tried to explain, words fall short. You had to be one of the others who walked the journey with me in order to come close to understanding. Basically the North Americans and Indonesians on the team had different expectations. The hosts in Indonesia had different expectations than MCC organizers. We (North Americans) expected stability, service projects, and host families we would get to know. Instead we moved frequently, mostly attending churches 3-5 times a day (once we attended 10 churches in a day). The team struggled with cultural and language differences. Once we got to British Columbia things did stabilize, but we still struggled. We concluded our time together at Mennonite World Conference in Winnepeg, Canada.
I came home broken. Angry. Alone. Why had God called me and abandoned me? I returned to college, but I was asked to leave seven weeks before graduation when it was clear I was not able to function as a student teacher. I went to church every Sunday and sobbed through the service. I longed to feel God again. I did not know where to turn so I went to church. I had a wonderful church family but I needed more.
I decided to finish my undergraduate degree at Eastern Mennonite University in Virginia. Although I was still deeply wounded, I began to find some healing. One morning in my Abnormal Psychology class we had a guest speaker talk about depression. She shared about Spiritual Direction and how her director "joined me in the pit and lay down in the mud. She didn't try to fix me. She shared my pain." My heart leapt! This is what I need. After the class I rushed forward and asked, "How do I find one of these people?" "You go to church and ask for one," she answered. My heart fell. I had never heard this term before and knew no one at church would have either. This was before the days of Goggle. I went home and tucked the words "Spiritual Director" away in my heart.
A year later, I was living in an intentional community in Georgia teaching English as a second language. I returned to EMU to help recruit other possible volunteers. I was exploring the other tables set up around the room when I saw on the seminary table a brochure for their newest program, Spiritual Direction! Mennonites were just beginning to train Spiritual Directors. And I needed one. So I picked up an application and when it asked me why I wanted to attend seminary I wrote "I need a Spiritual Director." They admitted me.
During my very first meeting with my Spiritual Director we sat in silence for an hour. I cried. She checked in to see if I was ok. I felt God's presence for the first time in 5 years. God had not abandoned me. I had entered a time of spiritual desert. My director and my professors and the small group I was assigned helped me find my way through the pain and back into wholeness.
I have been through two more times of spiritual desert in my life since then. With the tools, I now know how to cling to my faith when my spirit is dry and God feels far away. I feel privileged to be able to walk with others on their spiritual journeys.